The prophet of horror (the author of this column) had a wonderful summer, but that’s irrelevant. It’s a new school year, which means new Horror-Scopes to wrap your beady eyes around. If you’re new to the paper, these Horror-Scopes are not meant to give you a boost of optimism.
Aquarius: January 20- February 18: You begin the new school year off with a bang, by forgetting to wear pants to school.
Pisces: February 19-March 20: It was determined on the first day of school that you are unfunny and nobody likes you.
Aries: March 21-April 19: This is going to be a wonderful day for you! You will spill hot coffee on your hands in front of your peers, leaving you vulnerable to teasing and burns.
Taurus: April 20- May 21: Your day is an A plus because you are awesome!
Gemini: May 21- June 20: What happens when you combine vinegar and baking soda? A trip to the nurses’ office for you!
Cancer: June 21- July 22: Currently you are at a crossroads in your academic career, don’t worry you’ll figure out the perfect solution: dropping out of school.
Leo: July 23- August 22: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then poor hygiene and a disheveled appearance keeps people away.
Virgo: August 23- September 22: An opening day school party ends tragically, as you puncture your voice box during a milk chug.
Libra: September 23- October 22: No, harvesting your organs will not give you a semester’s worth of books and paid tuition.
Scorpio: October 23- November 21: This semester features a class in which the teacher’s assistant is an ex-lover of yours. Look out for the hard longing stare of reconciliation and he or she “losing” your work.
Sagittarius: November 22- December 21: Joining a John Jay Club proves that you are an awkward, antisocial human being not meant for contact with other humans.
Capricorn: December 22- January 19: Your sarcastic and caustic demeanor causes a rift between you and your teachers. But he definitely loves how you participate.